A search on the web for grandparenting issues will quickly reveal that the issue of grandparents raising grandchildren is a major phenomenon of our society. Some studies estimate that one-third of all children in the United States today are being raised by their grandparents. That is staggering and has great significance for this unique role of grandparenting.
Victim or Victory?
One thing is for sure. If grandparents are raising grandchildren, there has been some type of pain in that grandchild's life. It may be feelings of abandonment which have injured them. Their parents - our children - have somehow not been able to deal with this basic need and role of being a parent. That means all of us in the equation have been hurt, have doubts and misgivings, are dealing with guilt and our own feelings of failure. Our grandchildren need to have their questions of guilt and responsibility answered. They need to have their self-esteem shored up. They need to have their emotional tanks filled by us. They need us to rise to the occasion and be for them what is missing in a normal family setting ... parents.
As noble as that sounds, and as much as we may want to do that, we are immediately hit with the, at times, overwhelming realities. We are not as young as we were when we raised our children; we do not have the same energy and stamina. We have forgotten much of what they need help with on their homework. We have an established routine of work, friends, exercise, interests and relationships that does not include raising young children, but we are forced to make mid-stream changes and balance both of these worlds. We may not have the finances necessary to care for these children's expenses. We are faced with legal issues of which we have little or no understanding. We don't really know how to communicate well with them on an everyday basis. We certainly are not up to speed on the entertainment they prefer, and we are not even sure we approve of much of it ... yet now it is in our house. And all the while we are staggering to keep all of this balanced, we have to deal with our own emotions and communication with our children who put us in this situation! We need help!
Surprisingly, some of that help can come from the very situation. Giving of ourselves is always more fulfilling than taking or being self-centered. Raising grandchildren can be a form of value-giving to our lives. Not that our current situation has no value, but generally all we are doing can be enriched. A new focus on young lives can give a regenerated thrust to our lives. These children need healing. Need help. Need love. Need affirmation. We can give all that and more. Just being there for them. Hugging them. Listening to them. Crying with them. Laughing with them. Rebuilding their lives ... and ours ... together. This can all be very rewarding for us, and extremely significant for them.
We will still be tired. Still fight feelings of resentment. Still feel inadequate. Still need sufficient funds. But our perspective can be one of a giver, not a griever. We can see ourselves as an overcomer, not a victim. We can rise to the privileged role of impacting one of our own offspring instead of falling into self-pity and discouragement. We can be instruments of healing and affirmation in their lives. That's what they need, and we've been chosen for the task!
Survey
Below is a list of questions which you are invited to answer. The results of this on-line survey will be published and serve as a resource for grandparents who have found themselves with the responsibility of raising their own grandchildren. Please take a few minutes to answer these questions and then submit them to Grand Parenting Great. Thank you.
1. Are your grandchildren living with you full time?
2. How did you come to have your grandchildren in your home?
3. Have you adopted your grandchildren or what other arrangements have been made?
4. What legal issues have you encountered?
5. What have been the major difficulties you have encountered?
6. What or who has been the most helpful? Least helpful?
7. How have your other family members responded?
8. What have been the greatest rewards for you and for your grandchildren?
9. What has been the biggest surprise for you in the process?
10. What principles should guide the thinking of grandparents considering raising their grandchildren?
11. What things should grandparents do to prepare for this role.
12. What things should grandparents do to maintain and survive in this role?
13. What issues have risen regarding the other set of grandparents?
